


Crime Scene Investigation and Conflict Resolving Methods

by softwinds



Category: Community (TV)
Genre: Attempt at Humor, Episode: s03e17 Basic Lupine Urology, First Time, Graphic Description of Yam Crime, Hand Jobs, M/M, Resolved Sexual Tension, Roleplay, Troy and Abed are deteeeeeectives, Wall Sex
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-10-15
Updated: 2020-10-15
Packaged: 2021-03-08 18:40:46
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,116
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/27031327
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/softwinds/pseuds/softwinds
Summary: “It’s not just about the study group!” Troy cries out, kicking his heel at the wooden lectern. “Our yam had so much potential, and now it will never have the chance to bloom or to have little yam babies, and I don’t even know if that’s actually the way it works because I am going to fail biology!”“Walk it off, Troy!” Abed grabs onto his arm in an attempt to minimize the property damage. “Just walk it off!”-Troy's enjoying their good cop bad cop arrangement a bit too much. Hopefully it won't be a problem.
Relationships: Troy Barnes/Abed Nadir
Comments: 13
Kudos: 181





	Crime Scene Investigation and Conflict Resolving Methods

**Author's Note:**

> _"Why does this feel good!?" - Troy Barnes, History 101_
> 
> Just finished watching Community and wow Trobed's going to be the death of me (screams). This is my first work in the fandom and likely won't be the last. Enormous thank to [Noxxie_Moon](https://archiveofourown.org/users/Noxxie_Moon/profile) for betaing and wonderful encouragements! Couldn't have done it without them.
> 
> tw: very mild violence

“Who would commit such a despicable crime?” Troy mourns. “Our life was once so peaceful and innocent, and it was just robbed from us for no reason...”

It’s 9 PM, after school hours. They’re revisiting the scene of murder for a final assessment. Tomorrow morning the body will be sent up to the coroner’s office, also known as the school biology lab. It’s the only time slot they got before the seniors’ owl pellets experiments.

“It’s truly a tragedy.” Abed agrees. “I can’t believe things like this happen at Greendale. We are, in all means, a community built on trust between students, professors, friends and frenemies.”

Troy gazes somberly at the cold, dead flesh of their yam. 

“It’s just so unfair,” He finds himself choking up. “It brought us so much joy. Remember when we put little googly eyes on the jar and took a bunch of funny pictures with it? We called ourselves Blink One-ta-toe…”

“I remember, Troy. Those were the good times, weren’t they,” Abed gently pats on his shoulder. 

Troy looks down again, tears slowly swarming his eyes. He’s supposed to look for any possible clue they’ve missed at the scene, but his heart is just not in it. It’s not just any yam. It had a name: Pam, Pam the Yam (it rhymed so perfectly, goddamn it), and in Troy’s dreams where they were characters in Baywatch and everything was technicolored, the yam actually _was_ played by Pamela Anderson.

“Did you find any more bodily fluids? I think someone left their seasonal flu residue on the bottom side of this desk. It’s really gross.” Abed continues to carry out his duty, seemingly unaffected by the evil they’re exposed to. “Don’t worry, Partner, believe in yourself. We’ll bring closure to the study group. Can you pass me the evidence kit?”

Troy clenches his fists on their stack of Ziplock Zip n’ Steam. How on earth can Abed be _this_ calm? And then he remembers, this morning there was an odd number of Captain Crunch’s Crunch Berries in his cereal bowl, so Abed got to be the good cop as their agreement stood. Before they can switch tomorrow, Abed will wear the super long scarf that makes him look like the handsome guy from Notting Hill and Troy gets to wear the leather jacket, which allows him to kick the nearest furniture when anything goes wrong.

“It’s not just about the study group!” Troy cries out, kicking his heel at the wooden lectern. “Our yam had so much potential, and now it will never have the chance to bloom or to have little yam babies, and I don’t even know if that’s actually the way it works because I am going to fail biology!”

“Walk it off, Troy!” Abed grabs onto his arm in an attempt to minimize the property damage. “Just walk it off!”

“You walk it off! _Detective Nadir_ ,” Troy stumbles to his side during his struggle to get free, until his right thigh meets the teacher’s desk with a loud thud. “As we are talking, the yam-masher is probably curling his thin mustache and pouring some very old wine into a really big glass, knowing full well that he has destroyed the hopes and dreams of innocent people, and plants with tubers,” He swings his forearms wildly in a fume of outrage, almost knocking over some flasks on the edge of the desk. “— And he’s laughing at the word _tuber_ right this moment because he thinks it’s goofy— it’s Latin! It means _lumps_!”

“Detective Barnes,” Abed warns, finally looping his fingers around both of Troy’s wrists and _god_ he’s so much stronger than he looks. “Detective Barnes, you are losing it, and I need you to stay calm!”

“And he isn’t even gonna drink the wine! They never drink the wine! It’s like they only want to swirl it around in their glasses forever!—”

He’s suddenly shoved backward by the arms, the ends of which are propped up above his head in a position of surrender. Abed’s face is stern in front of him, eyes burning and lips puckered and he’s moving closer, dashing straight at an extremely worrying speed, heading towards the classroom wall and taking Troy with him. Troy braces himself for the impact. However, right before his back hits the wall, Abed’s hands writhe lightly so that little pain is caused. 

He’s impinged, trapped between the classroom wall and Abed, his wrists cuffed and fixed by the latter’s fingers, his chest almost touching Abed’s with each hasty breath of air, and their heartbeats start to form a symphony just like that one episode of Inspector Spacetime when Constable Reggie has to teach the Inspector Ballroom Tango. Shadows dance on Abed’s sharp features, making him ever cuter than usual and _Oh._

_Oh no._

This isn’t happening. Troy decides. This is definitely, positively, not happening.

He’s hard _._ And it’s not the Clive Owen in The Hire type of hard. Like, his actual betrayer of a penis is enjoying their experience way, way too much. In fact, Troy can feel the front of his pants actually getting tighter by the second, and his boner isn't going away even after an extremely deep breath, possibly because that inhale only fills his nostrils with the smell of his best friend and his really nice soap.

He’s in too deep.

“Abed?” Troy squirms against the wall, horrified. “Abed, you need to let me go.”

“I’m not letting you do anything stupid, Troy.” Despite still insisting on making a point, Abed slightly reduces the strain in his fingers, thus giving Troy’s wrists some wiggle room. “You’re better than this! Don’t let the anger control you. You can’t let the tragedy of a dead plant ruin your very not prospective career.”

“It’s not... about the anger.” Troy gulps. “And it’s not even about the plant.”

“What’s it about then, partner?” Abed wrinkles his brows. His voice is still earnest, and his face is so close that Troy can feel the warm breaths bouncing off his cheeks. “Is it about your honor?”

“That’s— actually getting closer.”

“Ah! Silly me,” Abed raises his eyelids in realization.“It’s about your principles, isn’t it? I understand now. You’re right. These people deserve justice and it’s our sworn mission to see it done, even for a washed-up no-good crook like Pierce…”

Abed’s knee brushes against his thigh and Troy wants to scream. After his last and admittedly desperate resort of picturing Pierce actually getting washed up by his bunch of elderly delinquents, Troy points his chin down towards the bottom half of his body. 

Following the gesture, Abed’s eyes map down Troy’s linea alba to his chest, his belly and—

“Oh.” Abed mutters. 

“Just _oh_?” Troy wheezes through his teeth. 

Abed considers briefly. When he finally speaks, his voice is soft. “Are you alright?”

“Yes.” Troy answers quickly since he has no idea what to say anyway. “No. Maybe? I honestly don’t know.”

“Does this,” Abed’s gaze is still fixed on his unyielding boner. “Happen often? And I don’t mean the penile erection part, because it is perfectly normal for a young man your age with a healthy sex drive to be aroused by a variation of scenarios. You should only worry if it lasts for more than an hour based on your— never mind.” 

He pauses.

“So, the real question: how long have you been getting off from gruesome murder scenes, Troy?”

“It’s a yam! It’s a smashed yam! We’ve all had it in Casseroles! You are making it sound weirder than it is and it’s already really weird!” Troy shouts out in protests. “And that’s not even the main issue! It’s— it’s— something else.”

“What is it then?” Abed narrows his eyes and prods. “Are you getting off on the power of being not-a-cop?”

“Never!” Troy gasps in disbelief. “Don’t just say things like that! You think that’s why I chose not to be a detective in the first place?”

Abed stares at him long and probbingly. All that screaming in Troy’s head is the ticking of the Bio classroom clock because sooner or later, likely much sooner, Abed’s about to find out. And, even though Abed’s Eureka face is usually extremely adorable, Troy really isn’t excited for what Abed’s about to pry from his soul.

The room is so hot and his dick is still practically aching. 

Being alive is overrated.

“I’m sorry, Detective Barnes.” After what feels like a thousand years, Abed finally breaks the silence. “I made a mistake. I shouldn’t have doubted your cause.”

Troy lets out a breath of relief— As long as Abed doesn’t know the _real_ reason for his inappropriate boner and less than innocent man crush—

“You only got hard because I shoved you against the wall.” Abed continues matter-of-factly, face still only inches away from Troy. “But don’t worry, arousal in response to non-sexual aggression isn’t uncommon either. What’s curious is that somehow I’ve never noticed the preference in you before, and we did watch _Royal Rumble_ , _WWE Draft_ and _WrestleMania 25_ together.” He corks his head to the side. “So, there must be other variables at play that I haven’t considered...” 

Abed leans in against his ear and _sniffles_ , and Troy’s pretty sure the world just stopped moving. He doesn’t recognize what investigative technique this is, since to his knowledge only cats and puppies can smell emotions. At the same time, he also won’t be surprised if Abed’s in possession of some sacred nose ability that enables him to delve into Troy’s brain for information while simultaneously driving more blood up his neck and making his head all fuzzy like a broken video camera.

“Do you find me attractive, Detective Barnes?” Abed whispers, apparently having done his calculations. “Are we still using the classic _buddy cop_ formula with innocent bromance and a hint of homoeroticism, the lanky, brainy guy with a sharp tongue and an edge of mystery pairing with the hot-blooded, leather-wearing ex-football player, and together they play heroes by solving unsolvable crimes?” He presses his thumbs into Troy’s wrists and lightly circles, laboring Troy’s brain power even further. “Or is it something else, the secret longing, the forbidden romance, the fan-fiction come true? How long have you been feeling like this, Detective Barnes?”

“Oh god,” Troy gasps. “Two years,” With both eyes screwed shut, he puts on full concentration to battle the urge of bucking up his hips. “Two years, and maybe a month?”

“But we’ve only been partners since yesterday morning when Shirley appointed us as— ”

He can hear the confusion in Abed’s voice, then the sudden ascertaining, then the scary quietness, although the heartbeat pounding outside of his chestcase has actually picked up some speed. He swears that he’ll literally die if Abed pulls away right now at this moment. Okay, maybe not literally, but at least he’ll have to quit Greendale and change his full name and run away under the guise of night with all his savings, which is around eighty five dollars plus Pierce’s dad’s weird old man wig— Maybe he can moonlight as black Colonel Sanders. Is there a market for that?

“Abed,” Troy peeks up gingerly through his lashes. “Can you please say something.”

Abed’s face is gentle, his pupils dilated.

“Detective Barnes, it’s very dangerous to associate unresolved sexual arousal with… violence. It can end very badly. Like Hannibal Lector.” 

Troy stares at Abed blankly, not sure where his speech is going.

“As your friend and coworker,” Abed half mast his eyelids, his tone serious but prompting. “I suggest we resolve it.”

Then he pauses, his grips completely loosened, giving Troy a chance to step away if he wishes. But why, on earth, would he want to step away? Also why is he wasting any time thinking about the stupidity of stepping away when he has the actual permission to do _something_ with _Abed_ , and he’s very much sure he’s going to die if he doesn’t do this _something_ very soon. 

Troy bites down into his lip, grinding forward into Abed’s body like his life depends on it. He pants and mouths against Abed’s neck with shallow, messy breaths. 

“I can’t argue with your professional logic, Detective Nadir.” It’s hard to fit in words between whimpers and something that’s definitely not sobs. “Let’s resolve it right here in the unoccupied biology classroom before dawn.”

“Very well,” letting go of his left wrist, Abed moves a hand to the back of his collar and offers him a snappy tug, pulling Troy away from his skin. “We can take our time. And... you should keep the jacket.”

“You're right,” Troy manages. “It’s a nice jacket.”

“Detective Barnes?” Abed continues. “Is it okay if I kiss you?”

“Yes, yes, Detective Nadir...” 

Abed’s eyes are shiny, and they are wide like Bambi’s. He tilts down his head and presses their lips together, his tongue hotter than zipping bullets— not that Troy has ever tasted one, though he’s sure a bullet can’t literally melt his brain like what’s happening at the moment. Why is Abed so good at everything? He used his free hand to feel the side of Abed’s cheek, and it’s so intimate, his tiny stubbles are brushing against his skin in the exact same way he imagined.

Abed’s fingers move down his chest and flick open two buttons on his grownup shirt from Discover Goodwill. They sneak in to feel his bare chest, fingertips scraping by his nipple. Troy moans loudly. 

“Is this good?” Abed asks, breaking from the kiss. His cheeks are flushed pink.

Troy answers with a shaky nod. He’s pretty sure that he’ll just fall to the ground like a pile of decorative Halloween skeletons if not for Abed’s forearm tightly pushed against his own, while the side of a knee, settled between his thighs, nudging him back against the wall. He’s so hard. He reaches beneath Abed’s trench coat and onto his lower back, counting each knot at the base of his spine and focusing on their shapes under his wrinkled shirt, so that he doesn’t actually explode from the lack of essential action.

“You can use my leg if you want to, Detective.” Abed offers.

“I,” Troy nearly chokes. “I appreciate that.”

That’s not to say he’s _above_ humping his best friend slash partner’s leg at a newly discovered crime scene, because Detective Troy “Testing Ground” Barnes definitely has it in him, and he’s honestly not above anything in his current situation. Detective Nadir’s lean right thigh is so close and so _so_ tempting and wrapped in such paper-thin adult pants. Plus, he has both the permission and the justification— It’s for the safety of all.

Screw it. No one is allowed to judge, maybe except for his washing machine tomorrow morning. Abed’s hand is large and wandering on his chest, and the friction feels insanely good when he rides up and down the front of Abed’s thigh. The front of his underwear is definitely wet at this point. Abed kisses him again, and it feels like they’re floating on the biggest, fluffiest cloud in the world.

Troy almost wails into his mouth when Abed’s palm leaves his chest with a quick pinch, at the same time taking away his perfect, lifesaving leg. His fingers trail down Troy’s body until they’re full on palming his trapped dick. Then they retreat again and Troy is convinced that this is intentional torture.

“Detective Barnes,” Abed whispers against his lips as he unbuckles Troy’s belt. There are threads of hesitation in his voice. “Can I ask you something?”

“Yeah, anything, Detective Nadir, you can, mgh, ohmygod,” Troy rocks into the hand that’s currently undoing his zipper. “You can speak your mind.”

“It appears that I’m also… aroused by our activity,” Abed reaches into Troy’s spider-man boxers which matches his spider-man tie and _wow it’s really happening, they’re having secret work sex right by the lifeless body of a dead yam._

Abed’s voice is small and silvery. “ _You’re so hot, Troy, can you please touch me too. Please._ ”

“Of course,” Troy fumbles to get his hand on Abed’s pants, the task of which is made difficult by that long fancy scarf Abed’s wearing as well as the ingenious fingers eagerly caressing his dick. He presses the heel of his palm against Abed’s hard on when the destination is finally reached, and Abed raspily moans, until his mouth is opened but there’s no more sound coming out. 

Troy can feel his narrow hips shudder as his back arches up toward the ceiling. The heat and girth of Abed grows under his palm through layers of fabric and _Abed Nadir has got to be the sexiest detective in the world_. His body is warm and welcoming. Troy keeps on moving his hand although he’s not sure what exactly he’s doing, but according to Abed’s reaction and one or two sharp noises there’s apparently something he’s got right. 

Abed’s wrist continues moving between them, stroking the length of his dick in an increasingly paced rhythm. Troy thrusts into it, feeling the sensation steadily build up from his groin and brimming into his abdomen, and his whole body is buzzing out of control. He’s nearly in tears. He wants to punch a wall. Troy bites down into Abed’s shoulder under his lips, uttering out unintelligible things not even himself understands. He doesn’t even know where he is anymore.

High pitched ringing fills his ear as the orgasm takes over, and he spills all across Abed’s palm. He’s let go. Troy collapses into Abed’s arms, hands slipping down along his leg. 

He closes his eyes for a moment to steady himself, unsure how to process what just happened. The room is filled with the sound of their breaths. When he bats his eyelids open again, the ceiling light seems almost unbearably bright.

“Detective Nadir?”

“Yes,” Abed answers. His voice is breathier than usual, and Troy can see the strains in his shoulder. They’re tight like a fully drawn bow.

“Thank you.” He feels a bit guilty. “You’re still hard.”

“Indeed I am.” Abed nods as he cleans his hand into one of the evidence collecting ziplock bags. “I suggest we go back to my living quarter. Then, we should resolve this issue _before_ discussing some of our new findings— or after, if you need some more recovery time.”

Troy purses his lips in approval. His detective pants are wrinkled and his legs are still wobbly, and he’s almost sure there’s now more bodily fluid in this room than what they had an hour ago. 

“Can we have pizza, Detective Nadir?”

“Yes, we can have pizza, Detective Barnes.” Abed nods, already striding towards the classroom door.

**Author's Note:**

> Thank you so much for reading! Kudos and comments are extremely welcomed QvQ!!!!
> 
> My tumblr: [softhauntedwinds](https://softhauntedwinds.tumblr.com) (I'll be very very grateful if someone can point me toward a Trobed server or anything similar because i CANT stop thinking about them. ahhh)


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